Mallory Park Fisheries - Snide Rumours & Dirty Lies

Ice, and more ice has been the picture at the fishery for what seems like months.

The dippy anglers have been out in force, breaking ice and unbelievably still throwing teddies and toys about. The biggest culprit is called Billy No Mates Conway and we have been reliably informed that he is on the verge of totally throwing a wobbly.

Due to strict rules on deformation we cannot mention Billy’s real name but Frog Pot Allen has told us it is actually Steve Conway. Or as many are saying it is End Peg Conway, because that is not an actual name and we have two reliable witnesses who can tell the true story.

God’s gift to Angling has been having a rough time especially on the flying end pegs, his new book called “I do not moan” is at the publishers now, if you want an autographed copy you must urgently get in the queue as the demand is staggering for the limited numbered editions. Copy number 1 is still available. This book has more excuses than the best seller by Leicester’s professional angler Steve Porter and will possibly sell into double figures globally. Included with every autographed copy is an “end peg Teddy” (special edition). We have collected mountains of these after every match along with a shed full of dummies.

Mr Ward proves that he can now count up to four. At least it's an improvement over three.

We haven’t the space to write about all of the episodes since before Christmas so we can only include this week’s sad story.

Billy No Mates was not happy even before the draw, complaining that there was too much water in pool 6. We cannot figure that out because that's where the fish live! However, that aside he drew his usual end peg flyer on pool 1. First excuse was that it would be rubbish as the fish were living under the ice, again it was pointed out that part of peg 1 was frozen and that is where the fish would be. It was a tough section but at the weigh-in it was recorded that Billy had again disappeared. We can confirm that he has a state of the art Stealth Mode Car. The second two places in the section had to be drawn out of the hat, that is when it became nasty. Someone who we will not name but goes under the alias of Frog Pot Allen proposed that if you were not present at the weigh-in you did not go in the draw. Surprisingly everyone who was in the section seconded it. It gets worse, our man ACE Downs who was fishing on pool 6 also asked that his name was included in the vote, now that is hurtful. ACE told us that he was getting fed up of being playmate of the month and thought it was a good idea to have a new one. We will keep you updated.

Back to the fishing, it turns out that Team Abacus alias Dagga and Gringo Clayton were given some secret Marukyu bait and came in first and second in the match. Confidence is now high and Gringo claimed another scalp. Poor Dominic has been under severe pressure this last few weeks having been battered by in-form Dagga Ward. It was now the time for Gringo Clayton to take the title of chief batterer. It was actually a no-contest said Gringo “Dom’s good in the summer when he’s on some fish but when a bit of finesse is involved he is useless. Anyone can catch a big weight when the fish are feeding but when a bit of skill is involved it is a different ball game”. We asked Dominic for a quote but he was visibly shell-shocked and could not comment.

With a bit of luck we may have a proper match on Sunday. Netting is rescheduled for the 25th, 27th and 28th.Give Roy a ring for confirmation subject to the lakes being ice-free.

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