Mallory Park Fisheries - Snide Rumours & Dirty Lies

Gringos, suicides and transvestites dominate this report, more on this later.

The fishing has been awesome this last two weeks. Big fish from every lake and plenty of them. Our Corporate and club events have been excellent with some huge weights. In one club match we had two weights over 200lb on pool 1 and another on pool 6. The big ghost carp in pool 8 are looking brilliant, several have been caught. Skateboard-Dave Egerton had one on a fly recently

Guess who?

At our last members' club match we fished Mallory Big Lake, the Foundation and Pool 1. Pool 1 was brilliant but we had a few too feared to weigh-in on the Foundation. The Big Lake was exceptional for most anglers. Mr Ward threw another wobbly after failing miserably to qualify for the Master of Mallory final to be held on Saturday 13th September. It looks like this event will be the event of the year with at least £2000 in prize money to be won. With five qualifiers to go it should mean that even Mr Ward will qualify. For those members who are a little slow on the uptake and don't understand why they have to keep paying having qualified, I will explain. The reason we will finish up with well over £2000 in prize money is because of the numbers of anglers who pay their money into the pool each match. If once you have qualified you did not pay any more money then the final pool is not very big. Also it does not take much working out that everyone who has fished all of the matches and paid 9 x £6 will qualify even if it is by default. The anglers who have qualified so far are shown here.

While on the subject of moaners, if you have any complaints, do not hassle the match organisers who do a great job in difficult circumstances, speak to Roy Marlow who will gladly answer your concerns or moans.

Section results for 20th July:

Pool 1
Peg 7 - Chris Allen - 131lb
Peg 18 - Paul Gardner - 119lb
Peg 28 - Chris Downes - 152lb

Foundation
Peg 7 - Carl Redman - 84lb
Peg 13 - John Hall - 99lb
Peg 26 - Matt Hall - 73lb

Big Lake
Peg 2 - Roy Marlow - 98lb
Peg 11 - John Duncan - 90lb

Melissa with a pool 1 barbel

To protect the innocent we sometimes use an alias name of the person involved, we go to a lot of trouble to verify what is in this section and require at least two very reliable witnesses before we go to print.

The main contender on suicide watch this month is Paul Derry; you can see from the picture that he is being counselled. It turned out that a young novice angler named Melissa (aged 14) who was pegged next to him in a recent corporate event weighed in 86lb. Embarrassed Paul failed to weigh. It was pointed out that Melissa had superior tackle, in the form of a £2.50 whip. It may be a good idea for Paul to swap his Daiwa Tournament pole for a whip.

Paul Derry

Mr Ward is still on the watch after another disastrous performance on the Big Lake. He now requires adult supervision at all times and cannot be allowed out alone.

On the subject of adult supervision it has been noted that the three most boring people in the whole world are together in Ireland. Graham Barry, Brian Pinckney and Ken Williams have gone fishing together. Mr Barry has to be accompanied by his carers from the old people's home.

Mick 'The Snake' Moore has something to tell everyone, it's a secret so we cannot write about it.

We have been asked to point out that member Allen White, who is responsible for Pool 2, has two yellow cards and if anyone has any complaints about this lake they should report it to the owner.

On to the very serious issues, your committee is studying the rules on these very carefully.

We do not exclude anyone on their country of origin, but it turns out we have a Gringo among us. Our most improved angler Rob Gringo Clayton is partly Spanish, we do not know which part is Spanish, possibly the onion between his ears (Mr Ward said that). Gringo Clayton also has a direct line with some of the country's top anglers, who give him tips. We are not sure if they are angling tips, because if they are they are not working. Gringo Clayton has started his new book on 'how to be a great match angler'. The one autographed copy will be available soon, if he doesn't decide to use it himself.

I come from Barcelona!

Finally and this is very serious, so serious that we will not mention the member's name for fear of legal action. As you all know we have a professional angler amongst us who has a stealth mode car with a personal number plate similar to P5QUIRTER. This angler is constantly in the news for both his good and bad angling performances and we all know that he is inconsistent with his results. Some time ago we had mandatory drug tests for using illegal substances to establish if this was one of the reasons. It turned out that this was not the reason. However further detective work by fellow anglers, who cannot be named but run a tackle shop in South Wigston, have tracked down the reasons for success or failure. It is a little embarrassing for us to mention this but this unnamed angler wears ladies knickers when fishing matches, several witnesses have confirmed this. The rules committee have to consider if this falls into the banned categories of tackle like Method Feeders, Bagging Wagglers and Pole Tapping. Mallory Park Fisheries would like to point out that we do not ban members on religious grounds or due to sexual deviations, however the use of female pheromones may have to be outlawed in match events. We are certain that there is a lot more to this story, watch this space.

To avoid confusion regarding this unnamed angler and to not incriminate anyone else who also may be cross-dressing we will say that the said unnamed angler has not yet qualified and his name does not appear in the qualifiers list.

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