Mallory Park Fisheries - Snide Rumours & Dirty Lies

Over the years the UK has seen some major catastrophes, we have had floods, invasions, Dunkirk, and certain fishery owners being allowed near a computer, all described as very serious disasters. This week we have had another that ranks alongside the above. Much more about that later.

Honest Jim Chessman

Meanwhile the Glebe this weekend saw a very good match. Noticeable absentees included Paul Derry who is still being counselled and Leicester’s professional cross-dresser Mr Sporter who we understand was honing his canal skills and lifting his profile.

Our own event fished exceptionally well with the usual happy banter. It was still a bit serious for some members who were desperately trying to qualify for the final on Saturday September 13th. Team Parkers celebrated along with Honest Jim Chessman who tried his hardest on pool 5. There are a few noticeable exceptions including Dagga Ward, Rich Bedder, Leicester’s Professional Angler, and as you would expect The Gringo. Let's not forget Mick the Python Moore who is only mentioned when he does well. I nearly forgot Chris Needham, our local superstar, who is also very worried along with Bob Eaton and his mate Ringo. The anglers who have qualified so far are shown here.

Section 1 - Gordon Parker - 93lb
Section 2 - Gordon Priddy - 110lb
Section 3 - Andy Towers - 132lb
Section 4 - Stu Johnson - 106lb
Section 5 - Roy Marlow - 138lb
Section 6 - Dave Hunter - 123lb
Section 7 - John Hall - 156lb

Steve Conway

After this event the number of anglers requiring some counselling has grown yet again, with several new faces. Nasty Kind, who never draws a bad peg, was on in-form peg 1. Only once this year has it produced less than 100lb in a match. Make that twice now.

Dagga Ward is beyond help. Please be patient and helpful to him, as we don’t want to loose him. Always remove any sharp instruments that are near him. John Duncan is a little inconsistent at the moment, he is being watched closely. Over practice Bob Eaton, who cannot be beaten in the Monday night events on the Foundation, tells me he as lost the plot at the Glebe, but some more practice will rectify that.

Gringo Rob Clayton claims Scott Brown seriously abused him on the next peg on pool 7. Your committee takes this very seriously and it must stop. It did not help matters when Gringo Rob was told he had qualified by several defaults in his section. His little face went from joy to tears in a few minutes when he was told that he had not qualified. We have been asked to point out that Gringo was not last in this section. On the subject of being last in the section, we must not mention that Mick Python Moore came last as he only asks us to mention him when he does well.

Back to major disasters. Our Professional cross dresser Angler Mr Sporter who has finished his book called “My way to win on canals” has been told that the one autographed copy signed by him will not now be published. Your committee has decided that too much publicity on any one person is not good and it will have to stop. Next week we will be looking for a new playmate.

Some misfits

The major disaster happened on the Loughborough Canal on Sunday in a Club Angler league event where our professional angler was trying to raise his profile. Our own cross-dresser drew one of the three winning pegs of all time but crashed like a shot down bomber. Under immense pressure from a pensioner with a wicker basket on one side and an absolute novice on the other side, our Mr Sporter crashed and burned. We were told by very reliable sources that panic set in. With a simple plan that involved 13 top kits being assembled and twelve different baits, something went drastically wrong. We have again been reliably informed that it was not the rigs and exclusively made floats that failed as all were pre-tested in the office bound balancing tank.

Spectators thought that there was a grass fire around the peg as 10 setups were used in the first seven minutes of the match. There was so much action that it may have actually started a grass fire from all of the friction. The good new is that all of his team mates rallied around with genuine support and not one bad word regarding the abysmal performance was mentioned. If you had difficulty with your phone on Sunday it was down to Mr Sporter who made so many phone calls that BT phone lines were overloaded and also crashed.

The list of qualifiers has grown again this week; you will see that there are still several noticeable names that have not qualified. Watch this space for more updates next week.

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