Mallory Park Fisheries - Snide Rumours & Dirty Lies

A lot has happened since our last report on 17th August. The fishing has been awesome and our happy members still require counselling, more on that later. We have even more dippy anglers, deadly rods, big crocodiles, and the biggest liars in the country and much more mentioned later.

We staged the ACA Masters event on Saturday 23rd August; this is an industry event to support the ACA. We all need the ACA and it is doing a great job in often difficult conditions. We fielded three teams that all did very well. Team ABU Blue was just beaten into second place by Team Daiwa. It should be said that they had roped in member Alex Bones and he effectively won this event for them. Team ABU Blue were only beaten by two points, this was off a difficult draw. 16 weights over 100lb were recorded, the winner being Andy May on peg 66 of pool 4 with 150lb. Martin Salter MP presented the prizes and also fished in the ACA Select team, although this team came last I have been asked to point out that Martin Salter was not the lowest weight. Thanks to everyone who helped to make this event a great success.

Steve Porter

Our own Sunday Match was fished on Mallory Big Lake, The Foundation and Glebe Pool 1. On the Foundation Lake the lowest weight was 91lb. Sponsored Professional Angler Steve Conway had top weight with 194lb, closely followed by another sponsored Angler Team Ginster's Scott Brown with 191lb.

Glebe Pool 1 was won by Tony Woodins with 122lb. There is a note on the weigh sheet referring to Over Practice Bob Eaton that just says, “remove all sharp implements, ropes and trees” more on that later.

Mallory Big Lake was awesome with Jarrad Smith weighing 150lb, Ken Evans 146lb and Robber Marlow with 135lb. Several excellent silver fish catches were also had with Chris Hall on Pool 1 and Robber on the Big Lake with over 80lb of silver fish.

The Monday event on Glebe Pools 1, 4, 5, 6, and 7 fished very well. This was our own charity event followed by a BBQ with master chef John Duncan in charge. The fishing and food was excellent but the event turned nasty due to lies and hurtful comments from some anglers, more later.

The Members' event on Sunday 31st was again excellent and in wet conditions Team Parkers won pool 1 with 190lb, Gordon Priddy was top weight on pool 4 with 170lb. Consistent Garry Saddler was top on pool 5 with 152lb. Pool 6 was won by Leicester’s Professional Mr Steve Porter on the little girl's peg (86) with 169lb; Rich Morgan won pool 7 with 85lb. Again there were some big silver fish weights especially on pools 6 and 7.

Just like in politics a lot can happen in seven days and as usual it happens at Mallory Park Fisheries. The following has been verified with several witnesses because as readers are aware we do not print anything that can be deemed offensive to any of our members.

In the last report we had a picture of Dippy Ward and Gringo Clayton consoling each other over an ice cream. Guess what Dippy Ward had to buy the ice creams yet again. He estimated his catch at 134lb but weighed in only 100lb. He believes he was cheated on the scales; this is not his worst estimate, in one event he was 70lb out. This is very serious, he may have to join Graham Barry who is not let out of the home without adult supervision. We think he is not taking his medication.

We have some good news Jew Boy Chris Needham finally qualified for the final to be held on September 13th. After weighing in 100lb and still qualifying by default he said. “I was just playing with all of you. I could have qualified any time but strung it out so I would get a mention. My wife likes to see me in print”. The organisers would like to point out that all of his tackle was going to go on ebay. Any offers would have been accepted.

We have been asked to mention that Gringo Clayton put in his best ever performance in the Big Lake section weighing in over 80lb and deservedly qualified along with Dippy Ward. Gringo has been secretly practicing, not fishing but drawing pegs so that he can win the final and show everyone how good he really is. Gringo said “I only come last almost every match to save another member being embarrassed, just watch me in the final, I will be like a man on fire”. The committee may take all flammable materials off Gringo for this event.

The qualifier list is here, the committee has thrown in a couple of wild cards because we did not want teddies thrown out of the pram. We will not mention who they are for fear of embarrassing these anglers, their names are in the final column of the list.

Dippy Ward and Gringo Clayton held a private party with only two people present to celebrate qualifying, however there were gatecrashers and yet again Dippy had to buy the ice creams, chocolates and crisps for everyone.

Over Practice Bob Eaton has had some secret counselling from a sponsored professional angler because he is not doing too well in the day events. Bob is a sprint angler and does well in three-hour events. He was told to just fish the last three hours. Now that is good advice.

We have a new Spanish angling coach. No it is not the Gringo Clayton but our new playmate Mick the Snake Moore. He was spotted giving coaching lessons and the angler asked if he was from Barcelona. We think it was down to the suntan, but we are not certain.

John Hall

Robber Marlow was subjected to a cruel ordeal in one of the matches. He was pegged between the Conway’s who abused him all day. Robber had to use double ear deflectors to retain concentration. Awesome Steve Conway, who had caught over 100lb on the two previous days, was out to batter Robber who only wanted a peaceful day's fishing. Robber said, “Some anglers take fishing all too seriously and the fact that I had battered Steve Conway 4-1 made this another grudge match. If it became 5-1 more tackle could be for sale”. We all know that only Robber and Ginster's Scott Brown are the only honest people that fish Mallory. That is still true but the biggest liar has to be Steve Conway, he lied all the way through the match and was again very hurtful to fellow competitors. The organisers request that this practice must stop as some people take offence. However Mr Dishonest Conway was out lied and it is now 5-1. ACE Downs, a friend of Steve, said “Steve must have had some awesome draws recently. I thought he was good, but to be battered by Robber 5-1 means he is actually crap”.

Deadly Rods are in the news; Leicester’s Professional Angler Mr Porter was testing a new pellet wagler rod on Sunday. He said this rod is deadly, we thought he meant it was awesome. It turns out that his float got stuck in the far bank shrubbery. Pulling for a break the 4-swan float struck our pro in the throat causing swellings and bruising. Steve still weighed in 169lb. This could have been a very serious accident, the message is do a Mr Ward and walk around the bank to remove the tackle. You can feed your swim while you are there (Scott Brown said that).

Team Parkers continue to dominate our events; the committee is considering a handicap system, as it is obvious that Barbara is catching too many fish.

Finally will members stop upsetting Bronk, it is reported that he also has a stealth car that departs frequently before the final whistle.

Scones Toplis

We will soon be having a new member playmate with us for the winter leagues, his name is Ian “Scones“ Toplis. He is also a float maker, allegedly. He was seen testing a new pole float recently and commented on how many shot it would take. After putting on several shot the float was still sticking up a lot, several more shot made little difference. “Now that is what I call a buoyant float,” said Ian. A few more shot still made no difference. Well it wouldn’t if they were all lying on the bottom would it. Eeeze up Sconi. We would ask that this be not mentioned, as we would not like to embarrass our new playmate.

As everyone knows we allow anyone to join our club regardless of sexual deviations, colour, race or religious beliefs. Can someone explain why we have a Martian as a member who looks like John Hall?

If anyone has any stories that can be verified can you please let me know for inclusion - Ruthless Russelli.

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