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Saturday 12th August 2006

I WAS NOT TRYING TO CATCH ONE HONEST

The Pensioner, who cannot be named for legal reasons but is pictured and looks like Brian Envis, has made a public apology regarding the use of an illegal substance in a recent match at the fishery. Immediately after the weigh-in it was noticed that several slices of bread were floating in his swim - every match angler knows that bread is banned in summer competitions.

This was pointed out to The Pensioner who was horrified because he thought it was allowed all year. In his defence he said that he had not caught anything on the bread. What he should have said was that he had not caught any on rod and line with the bread. Our picture does not lie and we leave it to you to make up your own mind.

The committee decided that a yellow card was appropriate - a verbal reprimand would have been sufficient if he had not apologised to everyone.

HOVIS THROWS OUT HIS TEDDY

Hovis, alias Keith Hudson, has thrown several wobblies in the Monday and Wednesday night events. After coming last on three consecutive Wednesday night events at the Glebe he threw out his teddy and refused to come again.

He has now squashed his Teddy on the Foundation as well. Remember this was the man who broke the three hour match record at the start of the season with 225lbs. Keith weighed in 123lbs last Monday to come last. Comments are unprintable.

SAS FAILED TO FIND BODY

Robber Marlow had a phone call the other night from a distressed and frightened angler on Glebe Pool 1. The abbreviated story sounded like the angler was being attacked by an enormous Anaconda. Screams were heard as the angler tried to escape, followed by splashing and more screams. Then there was silence.

The SAS and heavy weapons were called in to search the Glebe and kill the monster and look for the missing angler. Nobody was found and no giant snake. It was however reported that a tiny grass snake was spotted in the vicinity.

If anyone sees Mick Moore, please let us know that he is alive and in one piece.

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